Christmas Break

I had a wonderful Christmas Break -- aside from those 2 scary days after the amniocentesis where I had to take it easy. Our family was so festive and the celebration was at our house (my mom's actually). I love Christmas at mom's house. Anyways, I'm feeling a lot better now and the baby is kicking around a lot. I wonder if she’ll be a soccer player or at least have strong legs like me. I'm just waiting for the amniocentesis results to come in a few days -- seems like weeks.

Family Affair

I know I'm supposed to take it easy today as my second day of resting after the amniocentesis, but I wanted to go up to LA w/ the rest of my family to attend my grand-uncle's funeral. Almost everyone would be there that I'm close to. It was a long day sort of. I didn't do anything risky except for carrying a 20 pound baby. But I think it's okay. I held her for about 10 minutes until someone snatched her away and played.

I found out that my cousin-in-law is pregnant too -- SARA, Congratulations! She's 3 months pregnant, just 2 months before me. It was so funny when we said goodbye to each other -- we did the Carebear share belly kiss. =)

My belly is feeling much better than yesterday. I don't feel that pinching and cramping sensation at the pierced area. I did however wonder if I startled the baby when I had to jump down from my dad's tall/elevated van to get to the church this morning. I changed quickly from a sitting to standing position. I think she's fine. I just have to continually make sure that she's happily kicking and that I'm not leaking any amniotic fluids nor getting a fever. So far things are progressively getting better. I still wished that I didn't go through that test, but it's over with now.

Some moms at the funeral were saying that I look too big to be 5 months. Gosh! Even when I'm pregnant these people bother me about my weight. I guess they're more concerned about how big the baby will be when she gets out -- the bigger she gets the more complicated the birthing will be. I don't think the baby is big but that my belly had excess fat to begin w/ making the pregnancy look advanced.

I want to thank all you women who prayed for my baby and I during this upsetting time. I wish I could do the same for you all. =) Happy Holidays!

6 Hours Later

2:30PM :: It's been 6 hours since the amniocentesis happened and I'm physically feeling better than I had hours earlier. I still have a slight stinging/pinching pain at the pierce point, which is covered w/ an average sized bandage used for fingers. I'm getting a dull headache after all this -- it's probably psychosomatic of me to feel this way after all the worry I put myself through prior to the amniocentesis. I wouldn't be surprised if I got ill. I just hope everything is okay down there.

To reassure myself, I got a lap-timer and counted how many times the baby moved. She's not moving now -- probably is napping -- but hopefully her world will be alright. I'm pretty protective of what gets near to her.

In Shock

Oh my God!! I can't believe I actually went through w/ that stupid amniocentesis test. I feel more worried than before since I have to look out for symptoms of miscarriage in these next few days: vaginal spotting, extreme cramping, and high fever. I felt so ambivalent about taking this test and kinda feel ashamed for taking it. I know that I'm making it sound worse than it could be, but it kinda goes against my personal beliefs. So how did I do it or why did I go on w/ it? I just shut my negative mind off and convinced myself that everything will be all right b/c every experience I've read/listened to of other women having this test was positive -- meaning, the baby turned out to be fine and the pregnancy was normal. I just hate it that I've subjected myself to such invasive testing.

It was really scary. It reminded me of another traumatic hospital/clinic experience I've had years before which I don't want to mention again here in this journal. The room was dark (of course, to see the ultrasound screen) -- the medical staff were trying to be personable (and they did their best) -- the sounds of the computer and the rubber gloves snapping and the swishing of the iodine solution cleaning my belly and that steril smell -- it all reminded me of that traumatic experience I hate to mention, but for cryptic sake I call it the "ABC".

My mom was there next to me. She was giving the medical staff a hard time about sitting down during the procedure. She felt guilty for being offered a stool and she thought that single stool in the office was for the doctor but actually the doctors don't even use it. O well, that's the Catholic guilt thing for you.

I was glad the doctor explained every single detail happening to my body and baby. He alerted when I'd feel the prick of the needle, the cramping of the uterus, and the removal of the needle. I liked him, but I think I might have made him a little anxious b/c he saw my face was very worried yet hopeful.

I really hope my baby is okay. I'm sorry to have let you near such possible pain, little girl. Brianna Grace Miller. David picked that name for you. I was hoping he'd agree w/ Anaya Grace or Anaya Rose Miller. We'll see what other names we can come up w/ for you, our little baby girl. You are so adorable in my little womb, opening/closing your mouth. You are cute!

Tailbone Pain

I wobbled a lot today. My tailbone was in pain -- actually my pelvis bone or one of those near my butt was hurting. I read that this is common especially during this time b/c my body is preparing itself for the decent of the baby by stretching the bones. No wonder many pregnant women have lower back pain -- mine is actually lower butt pain -- hehe.

I'm pretty weirded out about the decision to either stay home completely, working part-time (if possible), or working full-time (Oh God I hope not) after my pregnancy leave. I'm very strong about having staying home to raise the kids b/c of my experience growing up w/ multiple "mothers". Things are better now between my parents and I but I was pretty bitter growing up. Who knows, at least if history repeats itself, I'll know what to expect w/ my child and I'll probably know how to deal w/ it better. Sheesh -- this is the part of motherhood I'm not looking forward to. I really hope I could just work part time.

1-2-3-Get ready-Move baby, please?

David and I are here at Nick and Alba's spending time w/ good company. Actually, it's morning time as I write this and we have to go back up to Escondido sometime soon to prepare for a small gathering at Kitt & Fred's. It's a cookie exchange party and I've already got fattened up eating the cookies that I'm supposed to bring.

Anyways, I haven't noticed the baby moving most of the day yesterday but probably b/c I was so busy getting ready for the Christmas festivities coming up next week. I'm sure our baby is fine -- and I'm going to live through this curiousity about the health of my baby for another 4 months. Sheesh. I hope she's okay.

WEIGHT: 165 LBS
BELLY-H: 39-1/2"
BELLY-V: 16-3/4"
WAIST: 34-1/4"
BOOBS-H: 37"
BOOBS-V: 14"

Better, Kind of

I feel a bit better than I had yesterday, and of course I feel much better the day before that when the scary ultrasound actually took place. Talking to my many coworkers who've either had kids or are having kids or knew someone who had a child w/ Choroid Plexy Cyst in the brain comforted me -- they especially comforted me w/ the scary decision I will make in taking this annoying amniocentesis test. Many are praying for the baby and Dave and I for the worst possibility to not take place. I feel blessed for working in a company where everyone is not ashamed to share their faith.

I wish I didn't have to hear that my baby has a Choroid Plexy Cyst in her brain or that my baby has that slight chance of having Trisomy 18. It's so scary. However, I think our baby will be normal and that this is just a big scare that doctors do just so they could cover their butts in the long run -- doctors have to tell their patients the worst possible outcome before focusing on the positive so that the patients wouldn't file lawsuit agaisnt these docs just in case something wrong actually does happen.

But I'm going to take the amniocentesis anyway and I'm not going to like it -- not because there'll be a long thin needle piercing through my belly (I hate needles) but that my child has that 1/200 chance of dying due to this test. I could opt out of it, but I'm pretty upset about finding out this possible problem especially w/ this scare at the very first ultrasound. Amniocentesis is a very invasive test. I hate it that doctors know too much and that they want to test for everything that could possibly go wrong. What happened to the days when women just had their babies and lived w/ the consequences then and there at the birth?

But anyways, in the end, there should be much rejoicing. (David told me to add that last line for all the Monty Python fans reading -- sheesh.)

Amniocentesis for Trisomy 18

The more I talk about having an amniocentesis or not, the more I'm choosing "not". I think I'm just getting a little worried about a condition that probably isn't true. Many mothers always want a healthy baby and it's normal for me to freak out when the doctor urged me to go upstairs to talk to a genetic counselor -- in between patients -- as if something really bad is going on. At first thought, it seems terrifying. Then after the negative emotional impact subsides, God takes over and eases the entire situation.

I'm now thinking that if God really wanted me to have this baby w/ a genetic defect, then he did it because it would make me stronger down the road. Amniocentesis is a medical test invented by doctors -- and it's only a test. If my baby actually did have Trisomy 18, there's nothing that doctors can do. I just have to put my faith in God to carry me through this possible loss when the time comes for the baby to deliver.

My Linea Negra

I've been noticing every morning when I take my shower that the line down the middle of my belly is getting darker and darker. I always forget to document it here in my journal until today. http://www.babycrowd.com/jr/online/babymiller/slide.html?post_imgid=9345

A Scary Ultrasound

Actually, now that I look back at the ultrasound that happened yesterday 12/14/05 it wasn't so scary. I just got really upset when the doctor recommended that David and I go upstairs to see a genetic counselor right away and inbetween patients. Sounded serious! What happened was she and the ultrasound technician found a cyst in the Choroid Plexus region of the brain and that the baby wasn't releasing her fingers -- two possible symptoms of Trisomy 18 (a lethal chromosome defect; meaning that the baby wouldn't live past 2 days if it were born).

I was so upset with what I was hearing from the genetic counselor, I cried. She said that even if my baby's alpha-feta protien test looked healthy there was a slight chance that my baby could still have Trisomy 18 b/c the AFP test was only 65% accurate. So she brought up the idea of having an amniocentesis test done on me to be 99% accurate. From the get-go I did not want to take the amniocentesis test at all just b/c of that possible risk of losing my baby from placenta leakage or infection at the point of pierce. Plus this test is invasive to that region I am so protective of. However, since I was so upset to hear and see that my baby has a Choroid Plexus Cyst in her brain, the thought of taking the amniocentesis seemed somewhat reasonable and risky. I'm quite ambivalent right now.

Anyways, other than those 2 symptoms, my baby girl appeared fine in this ultrasound. And yes, the ultrasound technician guessed that it was a girl. All this time I thought it was a boy. The lunar calendar said it would be a boy and my mom's "hocus pocus" using a pencil, string, and pin said it would be a boy, and that David and I followed the directions in a book stating the best times to get a boy. I really wanted a boy just because of an old wives tale that said having the first child a boy is easier for the parents. I have no idea why I agreed, but if the technician is correct then I'm going to have to think up more girl names and prepare for all the responsibilities in having a girl. I was a girl and created so much trouble for my family. I hope my baby girl won't be like I used to be =)

First Ultrasound Tomorrow

We actually kinda scheduled my first ultrasound later than I could have. I'm already 5 months pregnant when I could have gotten it done a little after 4 months. There were lots of changes happening w/ these insurance changes especially that David switched jobs and switch to better medical insurance as well.

Anyways, today I am 21 weeks 12/13/05 and things are going well.

I think I do want to find out if it's a boy or a girl. David doesn't care what it is anymore.

WEIGHT: 165 LBS

Down Then Up

Things are manageable again =). I'm referring to these emotions that I go through w/ this baby hormone stuff. I was down then I'm up. I need to learn to accept these rollercoasters when they happen -- maybe also remind myself take a step back and realize that these down moments are temporary -- especially when I could rely on God during these hardships. David and I started praying together again -- and it seems to always be rough when we walk away. Duh! Anyways . . .

This past weekend was a busy one. First was my company Christmas party on Friday -- then my God-parent's traditional White Elephant Exchange on Saturday -- finally my mom's association Christmas party on Sunday.

All throughout this busy weekend seeing family friends and kids, I've been having stronger feelings of connectedness to others more than before I was pregnant. I can actually relate to my family and friends w/ children. I'm starting to develop hopes and dreams that my child will be successful as other parents hope for their children. It's an amazing feeling I'm going through. I kinda feel more grown-up since I've accepted this responsibility of raising a child.

Unfortunately, while I'm needing more support from veteran mothers to guide and prepare me for the responsibilities of motherhood, I feel like my relationships w/ my single friends is sort of fading -- and I hate to admit this. My first pregnancy is a time where I really have to rely on others and God b/c this lifestyle is entirely new -- and usually scary. I'm glad I have a few close friends to tell me that every undesireable emotion I undergo is actually very normal. One of these days I'll be able to look back and help to pull up others who would be in my situation where the whole world seems tough. I'll be able to say,

"It's just the hormones, baby!"

Water Break or Water Leak?

I was so worried late last night about the large wet spot on my panties when David and I came home from an exciting Christmas Work party that we deejayed here. Even though deejaying is considered work, we had so much fun and attention (and who doesn't like positive attention?) from start (5PM) to finish (2AM) -- this includes the Post-Christmas-Work-Party at Kitt & Fred's house.

Overall, this was probably the best party that David and I hosted aside from our wedding. There were games and prizes and the funnest game was the Karaoke contest. I thought it was a volunteer thing, but I, happily, was the first to be elected by many voices in the audience. Pam encouraged me to sing "Stand By Your Man" (by Patsy Cline?) -- the same song that won me a $15 Gap gift certificate back in college and the same song I sang at Gerda's a few weeks ago. This song never seems to go wrong w/ my voice. After all the contestants sang, Gerda and I had to do a sing-off since we tied. I won again w/ Madonna's "Santa Baby" and got an Ipod Shuffle!! Wow!

After the Master Manuals Christmas party, we went to Kitt & Fred's for more singing and jacuzzi -- and stayed past 2PM!! David & I were so tired but didn't know how to snatch away our Karaoke equipment from the singers who wanted to sing almost forever. I thought my baby might've been hurt from too much partying b/c I felt a little pain in that region, but I kept partying -- thinking that I might be worrying too much.

Finally at home, I relieved my bladder then went to bed and felt this large wet spot on my panty. I thought I really might have hurt the baby when I started feeling pain hours earlier and that it broke the water, but it wasn't true after reading about late miscarriages/early deliveries -- no pink or brown traces were found.

Finally, I solved the case: right after work and just before getting ready to deejay for the Christmas party, I had a full bladder but didn't relieve it. I continued throughout the night holding this pee in, not realizing how badly I had to go b/c I was so busy having fun. All those many hours, I leaked pee. EeWwEw--how gross!

Hardship

It's hard being married when David and I have conflicting interests -- he likes to be ultra-playful almost all the time and I want to relax and be serious (taking everything he says seriously). However, when I do take him seriously I get hurt badly -- will there ever be a time when he's in the same wavelength as I? If he were then at least we could understand each other better.

We've been having lots of disagreements and arguments just in the past few days. Mostly these problems occur due to misunderstandings. I want his attention :: He ignores me b/c he's fully involved in a good book or video game. I want to listen about his day :: He shuns me away b/c his mind is elsewhere. I want tender affection/cuddling :: he wants to "beat up" my buns and pester me w/ really rough play. I want this :: he wants that. It's like this everyday. What's worse is sometimes I feel pretty low for some reason and need his attention and he shuns me off like an idiot.

I guess the one good thing that's going well is that he loves his new position at SAIC. He actually comes homes so excited to talk about all the people he's met and experiences he's getting and he just started this week of 12/05/05.

I'm kinda sad though b/c we're going through this rough bump in our relationship and I'm thinking negative thoughts about the future -- as if this marriage wouldn't work as I'd prayed for. =( In reality, we're both walking away from God even though we go to church and committed ourselves to be w/ Christian people. In my positive thinking moments, I want to encourage us to go through Christian couple counseling again. Then in my moments of weakness, I just don't care about him and what kind of heartache this might bring to Dave, Me and our baby.

Warm Like An Oven

This afternoon my belly area was warm like an oven. I couldn't figure out what was wrong -- I'm sure nothing was wrong. It's probably that having another person inside of me is raising the body heat.

David

David just told me to write that

he's as giddy as a little girl in the Spring

(about his new job) . . . of course I just think he's a silly weirdo.

Anyways, I'm not sure he feels the baby yet even though I demonstrate how to feel it. One of these days he'll get it. The baby kicks and squirms all the time! I love it! As long as I'm pregnant, I'll never be alone. It's cool waiting for this little person to arrive into our family. It's kinda like having a visitor, who'll stay with us for at least 18-20 years, then leave for adulthood and college.

Grow grow grow little one! . . . and in a few years expect another brother or sister.

David I'll need your help on this one again. hehe -- just kidding. I'll just wait for the stork.

Nausea Again?

I haven't been able to eat well again for the past two nights. I come home and I'm not hungry...nor do I crave anything...nor do I want to have anything down my throat. Am I going through nausea again?

Other than this inability to eat when I think I should, I'm going back to the gym just exercising my excess blubber away. I know that pregnancy is not a time to focus on losing mass, but I do need to continue staying fit. I'm hoping that I could run a half-marathon shortly after the birth. This pregnancy kinda set me behind in this life goal. Last year I ran for 3 hours -- I'm hoping that next time I could make 2.5 or less. I really was unhealthy and massive back then.

Anyways, David started his new job at SAIC today. Yesterday was actually his first day, but orientation took place. So instead his real first day doing actual work was today. I'm still figuring out how we could get past this issue of having different sleep schedules. He wakes up 2.5 hours earlier than I have to get ready for work -- plus he requires only 5 hours of sleep. I could totally use those 2.5 hours since I need 7 hours. I'm going to try to sleep early so that that we could wake up the same time.

But poor David, he has to travel far and long to get to and fro work. It's a little frustrating b/c I have to face him being crabby at home. We're thinking we might move a little south -- maybe Rancho Bernardo. I'm hoping Scripps Ranch or Poway -- at least I'll be closer to my family.

Long Time No See

We've got so much planned this weekend that I'm already exhausted w/ a backache just thinking about it. Today is the big Von's Reopening sale, so David and I will be buying at least $50 worth of groceries -- and we kinda need to stock up. Afterwards, he'll be prepping a little for his new job that starts on Monday. I'm kinda prepping too b/c this is a big change for us. Then in the evening we'll be seeing Christmas at the Prado, Balboa Park -- the best place for families to go. Finally, we'll be pitching it at Nick & Alba's in Chula Vista.

I'm trying to get as much done in the morning today before all these events will occur. Today is going to be a big day. I hope I don't get a headache by tonight. My backache is already a pest.

Big Weekend

We've got so much planned this weekend that I'm already exhausted w/ a backache just thinking about it. Today is the big Von's Reopening sale, so David and I will be buying at least $50 worth of groceries -- and we kinda need to stock up. Afterwards, he'll be prepping a little for his new job that starts on Monday. I'm kinda prepping too b/c this is a big change for us. Then in the evening we'll be seeing Christmas at the Prado, Balboa Park -- the best place for families to go. Finally, we'll be pitching it at Nick & Alba's in Chula Vista.

I'm trying to get as much done in the morning today before all these events will occur. Today is going to be a big day. I hope I don't get a headache by tonight. My backache is already a pest.

Moving!!

Not to a new city! I feel the baby moving . . . lots!

Thanksgiving Week and After

I can't believe I let myself not write for more than a week. I knew I was missing something.

Dave and I have been so busy preparing for our Thanksgiving party -- and it was actually the first time that my relatives came to see the house so we spent extra time making a big impression. It turned out in the end that we didn't have to make an impression at all b/c they didn't go to the places that we've spent much time on (the garage & backyard). Oh well.

It was a great party anyway. About 30 plus people showed up -- this includes children. In our wee little house we fit all these people along w/ the extra chairs and extra tables to set things on. We sang karaoke, watched our wedding video, I hosted the Christmas gift exchange, ate, drank and relaxed. It was so crowded. In order for anyone to get from one place to another (in the same room) one had to tip toe sideways as if we were at some concert event.

I had a headache that day and so wasn't prepared to host, but David did a good job by himself. I felt like a grown up afterwards b/c I finally got to show off my house to my family. This was also the fiirst time that they saw my belly much bigger than before. My little cousin Madison was especially excited b/c I was like a sitter to her. She watched me grow from being a big sister to an almost-mother.

Anyways, during this Thanksgiving weekend I bought a whole bunch of maternity clothes. Thank goodness for Thanksgiving sales (and thank you Alba for introducing it to me!). I'm not a shopper but I really needed hip clothes. The ones I got for church are a little outdated in style. Some good places to shop for maternity-wear are: Old Navy, Motherhood, GabBaby and Ross. My favorites are Old Navy and Ross (b/c they're cheaper). That same day, Dave and I watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I thought the previous movie was much better -- plus the kids are getting older making the movie lose its mystical appeal. Next movie: Chronicles of Narnia!!

WEIGHT: 162 LBS
BELLY-H: 37-1/4"
BELLY-V: 16-3/4"
WAIST: 34-3/4"
BOOBS-H: 36-3/4"
BOOBS-V: 13-1/4"